Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow

Q: How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A: The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q: Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

And turn over your paper. Real exam answers from the UK’s yoof is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

As reported in today’s Daily Mail. It was April Fool’s Day though…

Kepp cleap…keer clep…don’t park ‘ere is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

Fantastic cause. (Great Ormond Street Hospital). Amazing Football Club. But rotten old punctuation.

Remember:
Child in singular.
Children is plural.
Anything belonging to children is children’s.

We’re doing it for the childrens, child’s, chil….kids is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

But La Maison is in good (bad?) company. Take a look at these corkers that have been sent to the MSN News site recently. 

Do not cling? Do not climb? Or what the heck. Let’s have both.

Yeah, help us reduce crime against the English language.

I wonder if there were enough Ofxord Dictionary’s left to be handed out as leaving presents.

We hope you’re fluent in English ‘cos we’re not. Although we make awesome stuffed olives.

You say tom-ah-to we say to-may-to. Let’s call the whole thing off.

My personal fave. Sue’s Snax’s. So wrong. So very wrong.

I sort of love this sign. I like the fact the loo is referred to as a powder room. And it’s only 5p to have a tiddle. That’s a bargain.

What I especially like is one of the comments left on the MSN News site.

Also, in number 17, the apostrophe is not superfluous, merely in the wrong place as the word “ladies” is a plural, and the toilets are “ladies’ toilets”.

Oh, so it’s merely in the wrong place. That’s ok then.

A sign of the times? Bloopers from around the UK is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

Well we have just had a recession. So I guess some businesses may be stationary. But I don’t suppose this is what they are talking about.                                               

Come on people. This is a schoolboy error. The easiest way to remember the difference:  stationers (with an E) sell stationery (also with an E).                                

Need any stationary? is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

You know those posters that people make which have loads or ClipArt, WordArt and about six different colours? This isn’t one of them. This ‘poster’ was stuck to the ladies’ loo wall of a pub in Battersea, where I was watching the footie last week.

Times New Roman. All caps. 48 point. Job done. Oh and don’t forget to dress to impress. Classy.

This one was was spotted in my local sunbed salon. What I particularly like is that Cubical [sic] has been given a capital letter. Like it’s Cuba or something.

Extra points are awarded, though, for four different typefaces and three different colours.

Just how much do I hate the word solutions? Come on M&S you can do better than this.

How about ‘body contour pants’ or ‘slimming knickers’ or ‘fat-busting undies’. Anything is better than ‘shapewear solutions’.

(Oh and just for the record I was passing through this department on my way to the returns section, before you start getting any ideas!)

Got any pics you want to share? Email then over and I’ll put them up.

Ate too much at Christmas? You’ll be needing a ’shapewear solution’ is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

There was the imaginatively named Web Award for the ‘clearest website’, won this year by the Financial Ombudsman Service. Whilst The Daily Telegraph, BBC Radio 1, and Birmingham Mail were all winners in the media category for excellent journalism.

But for me, the best awards are the Golden Bull, Foot in Mouth, and Kick in the Pants awards, given to businesses and individuals who insist on suffocating simple ideas under layers of jargon and puffery.

The Golden Bull Award is given for the ‘worst examples of written tripe’. And there were some absolute crackers this year.

1. Department of Health website
Information on their site about preventing disease.

Primary secondary and tertiary prevention. Primary prevention includes health promotion and requires action on the determinants of health to prevent disease occurring. It has been described as refocusing upstream to stop people falling in the waters of disease.

So in other words, doctors can prevent disease before it occurs.

2. Equity Red Star Insurance

For a customer’s motor insurance schedule

ANY ENDORSEMENT NUMBER SHOWN IN THIS SCHEDULE BUT NOT INCLUDED IN THE ENDORSEMENT APPENDIX SHALL BE DEEMED TO APPLY AND FORM PART OF THE APPENDIX THE ENDORSEMENTS BEARING SUCH NUMBER(S) BEING ATTACHED OR PREVIOUSLY APPLIED.

So basically you’re screwed. If you have a car accident don’t bother calling us.

3. LSIS (Learning and Skills Improvement Service)

For a consultation booklet ‘Statement of strategic direction’ sent to schools.

The government calls insistently for more innovation. But doing things in a new way will not necessarily lead to better outcomes. So, what do we mean by innovation? We share the thinking of, for example, the Work Foundation, which sees innovation not “as a set of discrete and singular moments of change” but rather as “a culture or process in which drivers of change are embedded in and facilitated by the strategic outlook of the organisation.”

To draw an analogy from nature, innovation may be thought of as ‘the new season’ growth’ rather than a series of isolated ‘bright ideas’.

What the hell? Is this person on drugs? Haven’t teachers got enough to do without receiving this kind of nonsense?

4. Balaclava Public School

For a letter to parents about making iced cup cakes.

Dear parent/Guardians

The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures.

At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learned throughout the module.

Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.

Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.

Sincerely,

In other words: your kids are making cup cakes. In your kitchen. You gotta buy the stuff. It will be fun.

The Foot in Mouth Award for ‘baffling quotes by public figures’ went to Lord Peter Mandelson for his comment on the investigations into MP’s expenses.

“Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right.”

Gawd love ‘im. What is Mandy talking about?

While the Kick in the Pants Award went to the Metropolitan Police ’for their continuing use of jargon and gobbledygook in public information.’

You’re nicked sunshine.

This year’s Golden Bull Award goes to… is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

[Something] PR is cognisant of the connoisseurship and the hunger for luxury goods and services by the affluent market. Our agency knows how to communicate to that luxury lifestyle PR market in award winning PR campaigns. We strive to position our clients as leaders in their respected industries – putting a face to the name of the company and making it more accessible. Even with the ups and downs of the economy, a distinct luxury market segment has emerged over the past couple of years. We develop tactics to reach that market in innovative online and traditional media.

The truth is impressions that are generated from PR can indelibly define the brand by enhancing the product, service, or attributes. The old adage that you never get a second chance to make a good first impression is relevant to launching and sustaining a PR campaign, particularly in the luxury end where spearheading your messages to penetrate the luxury market is essential.

Why are (some) PR agencies right up their backsides? is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

Anyway, in this month’s Writing Magazine, columnist Stuart Palmer discusses some literary howlers that should never have made it into print.

There’s hope for me yet.

‘The old man opened his eyes metaphorically.’

‘I edged away from her, my hand tipping her face up again, finding her eyes and holding them.’

‘An expression of inexpressible shock crossed his face…’

‘Nothing short of a machine gun could have stopped Gog in this first outburst! He was finally subdued with tear gas.’

‘My face drew back from my skull as if I was vomiting and tears ran from my eyes like blood from gashes. I was sad…’

‘There are sort of pimples all over it, and slime oozing from its skin. I just can’t describe it properly.’

‘He looked at the freshly shaved faces around the table. They were men.’

Read any blunders lately? Share them here.

How did that get published? Prose that wasn’t fit to print is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog

We’re dedicated to providing results oriented, cost efficient solutions for customer outreach by employing existing and proprietary technologies that maximize exposure and obtain a leadership position in your market through the use of [software] our interactive digital outreach system.

 

Why techies shouldn’t write web copy (part 2) is a post from the Turner Ink Copywriting Blog