And turn over your paper. Real exam answers from the UK’s yoof

With exam season nearly upon us let’s take a look at how well last year’s 16 year olds did. (These are all genuine answers. Wrong, but genuine.)

Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow

Q: How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A: The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q: Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

  • Michael Morrison
    Posted at 18:25h, 17 June Reply

    Yep, the genius of youth. I really wish I was dumb enough to come out with those crackers at school! I remember one question asking “What’s the opposite of professional?” and the internet-savvy child wrote “Noob”.

    • Sarah Turner
      Posted at 09:50h, 18 June Reply

      Ha ha. Yes we laugh now but this lot will have the vote in a couple of years!

  • Dom
    Posted at 22:34h, 13 December Reply

    I suspect some of these are piss-takes from fairly intelligent individuals.

    Incidentally…where exactly do these come from? Have only ever seen answers from papers when its like…examples from past papers.

    (Also – some of these must be general studies? “The four seasons” does NOT come up in a GCSE exam…I know, however, that in General Studies A Level, one of the things on the spec is the five senses…)

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