24 Dec 2014
This year’s Turner Ink Christmas card featured my favourite type of lingo: slaaaaaaang.
And if you’re wondering what the heck they said – here are the translations.
Cockney Rhyming Slang
After Christmas kidney, turn off the custard and take the oxo or a sherbet to the rub-a-dub with a couple of chinas, then spend your bangers or cadge some bread for a few Britneys. Have a Russell, share a few rums, enjoy a bubble and get proper Brahms. On the way back to your Mickey, if you’re Marvin, get a Ruby down your boat and avoid a Boxing Day Ben Dover. Merry Christmas!
After Christmas lunch (kidney punch) turn off the TV (custard and jelly) and take the Tube (Oxo Cube) or a cab (Sherbet Dab) to the pub (rub-a-dub) with a couple of mates (china plates), then spend your cash (bangers and mash) or cadge some money (bread and honey) for a few beers (Britney Spears). Have a party (Russell Harty), share a few jokes (rum and cokes), enjoy a laugh (bubble bath) and get proper pissed (Brahms and Liszt). On the way back to your house (Mickey Mouse), if you’re starving (Hank Marvin), get a curry (Ruby Murray) down your face (Boat Race) and avoid a Boxing Day hangover (Ben Dover). Merry Christmas!
Be easy this Chrim and don’t get vexed. Avoid beef by not leaving your ends and staying in your crib. Just roll wiv your fam, listen to slamming tunes, watch bare nang telly, banter, tell dry jokes, kotch or do other sick tings like Twister reh teh teh. And remember to give lips to your peng wifey or hench hubz under da mistletoe. After all it is Christmas innit? Bless.
Chill out this Christmas and don’t get stressed. Avoid trouble by staying in your own neighbourhood at home. Hang out with your family and friends, listen to great music, watch lots of good TV, idly chat, tell unfunny jokes, relax or do other cool things like Twister etc. And remember to kiss your good-looking girlfriend/wife or big, strong boyfriend/husband under the mistletoe. After all it is Christmas, isn’t? Bless you.
This Christmas, don’t stay in your latty on your own. If you’re a polone, get yourself to the crimper, get your riah sorted, throw on some slap and make your eek look dolly. If you’re an ompolari with a bona bod, be bold, and go and vada that polone you fancy. Have a nachy out, spend some gelt, have a few bevvys, some jarry and polari. And have a completely fantabulosa Chrimbo.
This Christmas, don’t stay in your house on your own. If you’re a girl, get yourself to the hairdresser, get your hair sorted, throw on some make-up and make your face look pretty. If you’re a guy with a good body, be daring, and go and see that girl you fancy. Have a night out, spend some money, have a few drinks, some food and a chat. And have a completely wonderful Christmas.
Thanks for all the entries. The person with the closest translation was…drum roll…Kelly Gilmour Grassam @KellyGGrassam. Well done Kelly! A copy of Bad English is winging it’s way to you. Fantabulosa.